Akatsuki Commandments
by Larien Mithrandir
Summary: Pein is fed up with the conduct of Akatsuki. He issues commandments. This is how it happened. Pure crack. Teen rating for Hidan's language.
1. The Commandments

**Akatsuki Commandments**

Thou shall not forget thy Akatsuki hat, cloak, ring, or other such article of clothing or accessory.

Thou shall not feed Zetsu after midnight.

Thou shall not take Kisame to the pet store or any such establishment in which fish may be purchased.

Thou shall not leave thy artwork lying around the hideout, strategically placed or otherwise. Also, thou shall not detonate said artwork inside the hideout at any time for any reason.

Thou shall not use thy artwork to answer the door or telephone for any reason.

Thou shall not give Tobi any form of the following: sugar, glue, paint, noise-making devices, matches, or wrap. Also, thou shall not give Tobi any substance that may spill, stain, or otherwise make any form of mess or annoyance.

Thou shall not leave any strands of thy "lovely locks" in any drain.

Thou shall not force thy religion upon any other member of Akatsuki.

Thou shall not bother Kakuzu whilst he is counting money. This includes, but is not limited to: shouting random numbers, telling Kakuzu that the value of money has dropped one hundred percent, burning said money, scattering said money, ripping said money, asking Kakuzu to reattach body parts, and calling Kakuzu names.

Thou shall not engage in any other actions, listed or unlisted, that may, in turn, incur the wrath of the Leader.


	2. The First Commandment

**The First Commandment**

Sasori had just gotten into Hiruko, his favorite puppet, and was standing outside the Akatsuki base. The small redhead sighed and thought to himself, _If that blond brat doesn't hurry up, I'm going to leave him!_ The puppeteer was already in a foul mood at having to go on a mission on the weekend, not to mention his horrible morning. He'd awakened to the sound of Tobi being chased by Hidan, who was yelling every obscene word known to man at the little masked nuisance. When Sasori had gone into the common room to watch the morning news, he had discovered Itachi glaring at what appeared to be a molten glob of unrecognizable black goop. In all actuality, Itachi was glaring at the remains of the television set. Apparently, Itachi thought he had heard Sasuke's voice coming from that general direction. As Sasori was walking back to his room to return to his endless work on his puppets, Pein had stopped him and informed him that he and Deidara were to go on a mission to Sunagakure, of all places, today. The redhead had simply nodded and continued to his room, only to arrive and find that Tobi had somehow broken the puppeteer's latest masterpiece. Sasori had then gone outside to find the sky laden with dark clouds. And on top of this horrid morning, the redhead was being made to wait on that blond brat!

As Sasori was about to re-enter the Akatsuki base and drag the blond clay master outside, said clay master came rushing through the door, yelling, "Danna! Sasori-no-Danna, wait for—oof!" The tall blond man crashed into his partner. "I'm so sorry, Danna!" he said, as he stood and offered to help Sasori up. The redhead just swatted his hand away. "It's just that, well, there was no hot water, and Itachi used the last of my shampoo, and I burned my toast, and—" "Save it," Sasori growled from inside Hiruko, not caring to hear his partner's explanation. "Let's just get this mission over with." "Hai, Danna!"

The two began their journey to the Village Hidden in the Sand. They had made it a considerable distance from the base when the dark sky let loose an angry torrent of rain. "Sasori-no-Danna!" Deidara whined. "It's raining!" Sasori stopped Hiruko and looked up at the blond. "Well, where is your hat?" he questioned, annoyed. "Um, I think it's still in my room," the clay master answered, fearing a severe tongue-lashing from what he perceived to be an old, hunched-over man. Sasori said nothing and began walking again. "Danna, my hair is getting wet! And the rain is cold!" "Well," the puppeteer spat angrily, "perhaps you should have thought of that BEFORE running out the door and crashing into me!" Sasori stopped and looked up at the blond man again. Deidara was shivering violently now, and looked much like a nearly-drowned puppy. Sasori sighed and said, "Well, then get in." A look of confusion stole onto the ex-Iwa nin's face. "Get in where?" he asked. Sasori dropped the front of Hiruko. A look of utter shock took the place of confusion on Deidara's face. "Y-you're…You're a KID!" he stammered. Sasori merely rolled his eyes and pulled his partner into the giant puppet. The two then headed back to the base. Deidara was silent for the rest of the trip.


	3. The Second Commandment

**The Second Commandment**

All was dark in the Akatsuki base. Not a sound could be heard. No one was stirring, not even a mouse. However, a certain plant began to twitch. Suddenly, the two halves of the giant venus flytrap split apart, revealing a face with a black half and a white half. The round, yellow eyes glinted in the darkness. The small alarm clock on the desk against the far wall glowed red in the darkness. It showed the time to be one o'clock in the morning. The lips of the face parted, and a single word escaped. "Hungry."

Zetsu rose from his sleeping place in the corner of his room. The plant-like man crept out his door and down the hallway towards the kitchen. As he entered the common room, a sudden noise made him dart to a corner and clamp shut. Someone was coming.

Tobi had awakened from a particularly frightening nightmare and had felt the very urgent need to relieve himself. He had heard a noise as he had left the bathroom. It sounded like it was coming from the common room. Tobi entered the room and found Zetsu sleeping in the corner. "Zetsu-san? Zetsu-san! Why is Zetsu-san sleeping in the common room? Tobi does not think Zetsu-san should be sleeping here. Tobi is a good boy, so Tobi will wake Zetsu-san up and get Zetsu-san into Zetsu-san's bed!" the masked nuisance declared. He tip-toed over to the seemingly sleeping Zetsu and began poking the venus flytrap. Suddenly, it popped open, revealing Zetsu's face. Tobi jumped, startled. "Hungry," came Zetsu's voice. "Zetsu-san, Tobi does not think you should sleep in the common room! So Tobi decided to wake you, because Tobi is a good boy! Is Tobi in the Akatsuki now, Zetsu-san?" Zetsu ignored the masked nuisance's question, uttering the only word the black half of his face had been uttering since waking up. "Hungry."

Tobi looked at Zetsu. "Zetsu-san is hungry? Then Tobi the good boy will feed Zetsu-san!" As Tobi ran off to the kitchen, the white half called, "No, don't feed me! You don't know what happens when I eat after midnight!" Tobi returned with a muffin in hand and shoved it down Zetsu's throat. "Now Zetsu-san can go to bed?" he questioned. "Hungry," the black half said. Tobi ran off again and shortly returned with a sandwich. He stuffed it into Zetsu's mouth. "Is Tobi in Akatsuki now, Zetsu-san?" he questioned. "More," said the black half. Tobi ran off again and returned with a whole roasted turkey. Zetsu hastily consumed the bird and uttered once again, "More!" Tobi looked at Zetsu. "Zetsu-san, are you getting taller?" he asked.

This time, Tobi led Zetsu into the kitchen. The masked nuisance opened the refrigerator, his back to the now grinning Zetsu. "Okay, Zetsu-san, open wide!" called Tobi over his shoulder. Zetsu did as he was told, and Tobi began throwing random food items into Zetsu's mouth. By the time Tobi was finished, Zetsu had consumed the following: three whole pizzas (still frozen), two packages of sandwich meat, a bowl of cottage cheese, eight oranges, five watermelons, four gallons of milk, seven bottles of assorted flavors of soda, nine bowls of jello, two more turkeys (one of which was still frozen and in its packaging), two cartons of orange juice, and some odd-looking conglomeration of vegetables resembling half of a human brain that had been sitting on a plate and wrapped in cling-wrap.

As Tobi turned around, he asked, "Is Tobi in Akatsuki n—Zetsu-san!! Where did you go?!" Tobi looked in every direction except up. An evil laugh seemed to come from above the ceiling. Tobi looked up. "Zetsu-san! How did you get so tall, Zetsu-san?" he asked, not caring that Zetsu was laughing maniacally. Zetsu brought his head back down so that he could look Tobi in the eye. "Tobi, I'm still hungry. Feed me!" he exclaimed. "But, Zetsu-san, the fridge is empty!" Tobi replied. Zetsu grinned, showing his teeth, which seemed to be very sharp. "Z-zetsu-san?" Tobi questioned nervously. Zetsu opened his mouth and clamped onto Tobi's upper half. The masked nuisance's legs were kicking and a muffled sound came from within Zetsu's mouth, "Mmmff! Mmeemmferrr-faaaammaa!!" At that moment, Pein entered the kitchen. "What is going—Zetsu! Spit it out! Now!!" Zetsu spit Tobi out and Tobi landed on his bottom on the floor, covered in spit. By this time, the rest of the Akatsuki had assembled themselves in the kitchen. Deidara, who's hair was a wreck, couldn't speak for laughing so hard. Kisame just stared, wide-eyed. Sasori stood with his usual half-lidded look. Kakuzu and Konan simply turned back around and went back to their respective rooms. Hidan uttered a string of profanity. Itachi was facing the opposite direction and saying, "Sasuke? Is that you? You are weak, little brother. You lack hatred, and you will never surpass me. Sasuke!"


	4. The Third Commandment

**The Third Commandment**

Kisame awoke to Itachi poking him and saying, "Hey! Hey get up! I need a new seeing-eye animal!" The shark man grunted and rolled back over, knowing that the Uchiha would be fine with Crispy. Itachi did not take kindly to being ignored. The blind man put his hands under the top mattress of Kisame's bed and lifted. The mattress flipped with ease, and a still-snoozing Kisame was dumped onto the floor rather abruptly. "Itachi! What do you think you're doing?!" he yelled. The blind man, who was looking at the ceiling, replied, "I said I want to go to the pet store. Now get dressed and stop pretending to be Spider Man!" Kisame started to inform his partner that he was on the floor, but thought better of it.

Kisame dragged himself down to the front door, where he found Itachi trying to go through the wall. "Um, Itachi? That's—" "Yes, it's the door, and it's handle is missing! Tobi must have taken it again." Kisame opened the door and simply guided his partner through it.

The two men finally reached the pet store, Kisame trembling in fear after being put through the Uchiha's Tsukiyomi. After a run-in with a fallen limb, Itachi had decided the shark man needed to be put through 72 hours of Barney. Itachi, upon releasing Kisame, had simply kept walking. Kisame never wanted to see another dinosaur as long as he lived.

The Akatsuki members entered the pet store, receiving many wide-eyed, open-mouthed stares. One young, perky, seemingly-new clerk bounced up to the pair. "Hello, there! Welcome to the store!" she piped. "Is there anything I can help you with?" Itachi looked at a nearby cash register and said, "Kisame, is that the pink-haired girl I hear? You know, the one who likes Sasuke?" Kisame ignored Itachi and said to the clerk, "We're here to get him a new seeing-eye animal." The girl looked puzzled. "We don't have seeing-eye animals," she stated. Kisame simply took Itachi's hand and led him past the clerk, saying, "It's ok. He'll only kill it anyways and drag the charred remains around on a leash." The girl stared after the men in shock and horror.

"So, Itachi," Kisame began, "what type of animal do you want this time?" Itachi wriggled away from his partner and replied, "Just leave me to find my new seeing-eye accomplice." Kisame did as he was told, fearing another 72 hours of hearing the song "I Love You."

While Itachi wandered through the store, staring at various objects and mumbling to himself, something caught Kisame's eye. It was a glass tank in the back of the store. In fact, the entire back wall was lined with these tanks. Kisame went back for a closer inspection. He found the tanks to be filled with water, and in the water swam all sorts of fish. Kisame grabbed a nearby clerk, who happened to be the same girl from earlier. "Excuse me, miss," he questioned, "but why are these fish in this tank?" The clerk, still a bit horrified, stuttered, "O-oh, I th-th-think those f-f-fish are for e-eating."

Upon hearing this information, Kisame grew very angry. "What?!" he roared in the girl's face. "What kind of monster would eat a fish?!" he yelled. The girl simply fainted from fear. Kisame let her limp form drop to the floor and yelled a bit louder, for the entire store to hear, "WHAT TYPE OF RUTHLESS, BLOOD-THIRSTY ANIMALS ARE YOU?!?" The shark man promptly began to overturn the nearest shelves. He then turned to the tanks and said, "Don't worry, little guys! Big Brother Kisame will set you free!"

Suddenly the manager appeared, looking very frazzled. "Um, sir, could you please not overturn the shelves or yell? You are scaring the customers." Kisame turned to the manager, his eyes ablaze with hatred, and whipped out Samehada. "Don't tell me to calm down, you demon!" he thundered at the man. "You fish-eating demon!" Kisame then proceeded to destroy the pet store.

An hour later, Kisame had calmed down considerably. He and Itachi were walking back to the Akatsuki base. "So," Kisame said, hands clasped behind his head, "what'd ya get this time, 'Tachi?" Itachi reached into his cloak and pulled out a very frightened turtle. "I rescued this kitten from your rampage," Itachi replied, attaching the animal to a leash. He then threw it down and said to it, "Let's go, kitten." The turtle merely stayed hidden inside its shell, which angered Itachi. "I said, let's go, kitten!" he yelled, shooting flames at the turtle. It was promptly burned to a crisp. "So, uh, what's the, um, kitten's name?" Kisame questioned, knowing better than to inform Itachi of his mistake. "Crunchy," replied the Uchiha. The two walked the rest of the way in silence.


	5. The Fourth Commandment

**The Fourth Commandment**

It was a rare Saturday morning for the Akatsuki. "Rare" meaning that no one had awakened to Pein standing over them, grinning like a madman and saying something about a mission. Everyone was relaxing in some way or another. Everyone except Deidara, that is. The skinny blond clay artist was running around the base, frantically searching for his works of art.

Deidara burst into Sasori's room, unannounced. The puppet man had been hard at work on his favorite puppet, Hiruko. His back was to the door. As soon as the blond burst into the room, screws and a screwdriver went flying. "Danna! Sasori no Danna! I can't find them! I can't find them anywhere, un!" Sasori, without looking at him, growled, "Can't find what, brat?" Deidara began to sweat. Obviously, his danna was not in the best of moods today. "M-my, um…My c-c-clay b-bombs, un," he answered. Sasori turned around, glaring at his partner. "I do not have time to play 'amateur hour' with you today, Deidara-baka. I finally have a day to myself," he said, through gritted teeth. Sasori began stalking toward the blond. "You see, those bombs you call 'art' are not worth my precious time. I am making true art, something that will last forever. Now get out of my room, or I'll turn YOU into a work of art!" The redhead slammed his door in Deidara's face. Deidara stood, stunned that his partner would be so crazy as to believe that art wasn't a bang.

Suddenly, Tobi came running down the hall. The masked boy practically ran over Deidara, hastily calling over his shoulder, "Tobi is sorry, Sempai! Tobi must hide from Zetsu-san!" Deidara got up from the floor and began his search again. "I know they're around here somewhere, un!" he muttered to himself. He began to run through the base frantically. The clay master ran by the bathroom, and froze mid-run. "Hehe! I know where I left one of them, un!" Deidara put his ear to the door and heard muffled cursing. "Oh, Hidan is in there, un. Perfect! This is called 'payback,' you overly-zealous Jashinist, un!" Deidara put the first two fingers of his right hand near his lips and whispered, "Katsu!" He ran like crazy, not wanting to be around when Hidan finally realized what had happened. Suddenly, an explosion went off in the bathroom, and Hidan began yelling every obscene word in history.

Deidara burst into a fit of laughter. "Payback is such fun, un!" Just then, Tobi came around the corner. "Why is Sempai laughing?" he asked. Deidara simply shook his head. "Well, then did Sempai find what he is looking for?" Tobi asked. Deidara looked up at the masked nuisance. "No, Tobi. I didn't find my bombs. Well, except for that one 'strategically placed' bomb in the bathroom." Tobi sat down beside the blond and thought. "Tobi has an idea!" he exclaimed finally. Deidara just stared. "Tobi thinks that Sempai should yell, 'Katsu!' as loud as he can. Then Sempai will find all of his bombs!" Deidara thought for a minute. "You're right. Now, come with me, Tobi, un! You don't want to be in the base when the bombs go off, un."

Deidara and Tobi stood in front of the Akatsuki base. The blond man put the two fingers to his lips again, this time closing his eyes and concentrating. Suddenly, he yelled at the top of his lungs, "KAAAATSUUUU!!!" All of the bombs exploded at once, leaving the base in ruins. Tobi began jumping up and down, clapping his hands, and shouting, "Sempai found his bombs! Sempai found his bombs!" Suddenly, the rest of the Akatsuki yelled angrily, "DEEEIIIDAAARAAAAA!!!!" The blond began to sweat again and uttered a single word. "Oops!"


	6. The Fifth Commandment

**The Fifth Commandment**

The Akatsuki had finally fixed the damage Deidara had done to their base. Everyone was gone, save for Sasori. Deidara was in Konohagakure running errands, and the other teams were all on missions. The puppet master was in the common room, enjoying the peace and quiet. Sasori was curled up on the couch under a black fleece blanket, reading his favorite book, "Puppets" by Daniel Hecht. A delivery order for a cheese pizza had been placed nearly thirty minutes ago, and the redhead's attention could no longer be held by his book. His stomach roared and growled in anticipation of the steaming, melted cheese on top of the delicious tomato sauce and delectable dough.

Sasori was pulled from his pizza-riddled fantasies by the sharp ringing of the doorbell. He looked at the clock on the opposite wall. "Tch. Two minutes late. I'll make that miserable, pathetic waste of skin pay for forcing me to wait," he grumbled. The puppeteer raised his hands and took control of his latest puppet, which looked rather grotesque in its human-beetle form, with his chakra strings. Maneuvering the puppet towards the door, Sasori giggled inwardly. He could hear the door opening, as he commanded his artwork to do so. "Here is your piz—uwaaah!" came the cry of the delivery boy. He heard the box drop to the ground and the sound of running footsteps. The puppet picked up the pizza and brought it to the puppet master on command.

Just as Sasori was about to take the first bite of his prize, the phone began to ring. "What wretched fool has the gall to disturb me now?" he spat angrily. At his command, Hiruko answered the phone. A feminine voice seemed to pour out of the receiver. "How would you like to join my collection of puppets, dear?" he commanded the hunchback to question, malice dripping from every word. There was a loud click and the dial tone suddenly began pouring from the receiver. Hiruko placed the receiver back in its cradle, and immediately fell limp.

After Sasori finished his pizza, he decided to take a nap. Before retreating to his room, the redhead commanded several of his puppets to take care of any disturbances. He left Hiruko in charge of the group.

Meanwhile, all of Konoha was in an uproar. The delivery boy had run back to the restaurant screaming about a bug man. The telemarketer packed her things and left her desk hastily, all the while mumbling about not wanting to be a puppet. One mailman in particular was overheard screaming about a scorpion man. Deidara knew immediately his danna was up to something. The blond man hurriedly finished his errands and returned to the Akatsuki base.

Upon returning, the clay master headed straight for Sasori's room. He burst in, unannounced. "Danna! What have you been doing, un?" the blond questioned angrily. Sasori opened his eyes half-way and gave Deidara a smirk. "Whatever do you mean? I haven't done a thing," he replied. Deidara glared at the puppet master. "I think you know what I mean, un," he stated flatly. Sasori looked up at his partner with the best innocent face he could muster. "Dei-chan, I was only having a little fun," he said, pretending to be hurt by the clay master's accusations. Suddenly, Kakuzu and Pein appeared behind Deidara. "Sasori!" Pein shouted angrily. "Do you know what you've done? You've caused all of Konoha to be in an uproar!" "Not to mention the financial damage you've done to our account, what with the soon-to-be-filed lawsuits," Kakuzu spat through gritted teeth. Pein glared at the puppet master. "One more mishap like this, and we'll throw you to them, no questions asked!" he roared.


	7. The Sixth Commandment

**The Sixth Commandment**

The morning sun was just peeking over the horizon. The sky was clear and beautifully tinted. Birds were singing their morning songs, providing the world with a wonderful soundtrack. However, deep inside the Akatsuki base, all was dark inside a certain masked man's room. "Hehe!" came the unsuspected sinister voice. "They'll all be gone today! The perfect chance to begin my evil plan!" A single sharingan eye glinted in the darkness.

A few minutes later, Tobi came bounding out of his room, only to crash into Zetsu. "Tobi is sorry, Zetsu-san! Tobi did not know you would be here, outside of Tobi's room!" he exclaimed enthusiastically. "Yes, well, it seems I won't be going out today, Tobi. Pein has…other plans," the plant man replied, laughing and walking away. Under his breath, in that same sinister voice from the darkened room, Tobi muttered, "That pierced fool! Leaving that mutated piece of broccoli here to keep a watchful eye over me…Who does he think is running this operation? I'll show him…"

Tobi followed Zetsu into the kitchen. He sat down at the table and watched as the Venus flytrap man rummaged through the refrigerator. "Hey, Zetsu-san? Tobi is hungry, too!" Zetsu looked up from the refrigerator. "What would you like me to do about it?" he growled. "Can Tobi have cake for breakfast?" the masked man asked excitedly. "Sure, whatever," came the reply, slightly muffled by the refrigerator.

After he had hastily consumed two generous slices of chocolate cake with chocolate frosting, Tobi began to complain that he was bored. "Well, what would you like to do, you little freak?" asked Zetsu. "Tobi wants to do arts and crafts!" he exclaimed. Zetsu left the room and soon after returned with glue, scissors, paper, paint, popsicle sticks, and saran wrap. He placed the items on the kitchen table and told the masked nuisance, "That'll keep you busy." He then strode into the common room, plopped down on the couch, and turned on the television to his favorite show, _One Bud To Blossom_. It was a particularly emotional episode, and it was all Zetsu could do to keep from bawling like a baby as Lily watched her mother, Bromeliad, wilt in the nursery.

In the kitchen, Tobi busied himself making a giant ray gun. He began by gluing popsicle sticks together to form the frame. When that was finished, he covered his frame with the paper. He then painted his weapon black and red. "Ray guns really should be shiny," he said to himself, and began wrapping it with the saran wrap. When he was finally finished, he stood back to admire his work. "That blonde, gender-confused fool's bombs weren't enough to destroy this band of idiots, but _you_, my beauty, will certainly get the job done," he remarked in that sinister voice.

At that moment, Pein strode into the kitchen. "Hello, To—OH MY GODS!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO OUR KITCHEN, YOU IMBECILE?!" Tobi shrank back from the leader and looked around the kitchen. Globs of glue and paint were splashed all over the walls, ceiling, and floor. Popsicle sticks and bits of paper were lodged in many of the globs. Tattered pieces of saran wrap clung to the refrigerator, microwave, and stove like shiny ghosts. Tobi looked up at the pierced, orange-haired man and said weakly, "Tobi…made you a present, Leader-sama..?" The masked nuisance's masterpiece chose that exact moment to fall apart as loudly and abruptly as possible.

"ZEEETSUUUU!!! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WATCH THIS LITTLE FREAK!!!" Pein shouted angrily. Zetsu came into the kitchen wiping his eyes. "What was so important that you couldn't keep _this_ from happening?" the leader asked, gesticulating at the wreck that was formerly the kitchen. Zetsu sniffed and said, "Well, it was the episode where Bromeliad, Lily's mother, finally dies in the nursery and Tiger proposes to Rose, breaking Lily's heart." Pein simply glared at the Venus flytrap man.


	8. The Seventh Commandment

**The Seventh Commandment**

The Akatsuki had, once again, fixed their base up. Tobi, Zetsu, Hidan, Kakuzu, Pein, and Konan were all out on missions. Loving the fact that he had a little off-time, Itachi decided to take a nice, long, steamy shower. His hair hadn't been washed in ages, he felt. He shirked his clothes and wrapped himself in a big fluffy black towel. On his way to the shower, he met Deidara. "Itachi, I used the last of the Herbal Essences shampoo, but there should be another bottle under the sink, un," he said upon passing the blind man.

Itachi went into the bathroom and fumbled around until he found the sink. "Of course, Crunchy has to become useless as well. That kitten is never around when I need him," he grumbled, feeling around for a shampoo bottle. However, the first bottle his hand landed on was not shampoo. In fact, it was a bottle of The Works, a highly-dangerous drain cleaner. He turned the shower on, set the bottle on the ledge where they kept shampoo, and removed his towel.

The dark-haired man stepped into the spray of the shower and let the water drench his hair. He grabbed the bottle and poured some of the liquid in his hand. "This shampoo is a bit watery. I guess Deidara's trying to play a prank on me. Oh, well, it's just shampoo and water," he mused, attempting to lather his hair.

After five or six lather-and-rinse cycles, Itachi decided it was time to get out of the shower. He would've gone for another cycle, but the water was beginning to run cold. Something furry brushed against his ankle as he stepped out. "Crunchy, if you're going to help me take a shower, you have to be in here BEFORE I start the water, you stupid kitten!" he yelled.

In fact, the furry offender was not the blind man's burnt seeing-eye turtle. It was a radioactive glob composed of Konan, Hidan, Deidara, Kakuzu, and Itachi's hair. The glob followed Itachi out of the bathroom and began exploring the base. As it went, it picked up any random debris to add to its size.

Soon, the members who had been on missions came home to find Sasori, Deidara, Kisame, and Itachi standing outside the base. "What problems have you caused NOW, you morons?!" Pein thundered. Kakuzu added, "Please, begin with the financial tribulations." The hairy glob came rolling out the door. Tobi immediately ran to it and hugged it. "Tobi will call you Fluffy! Can Tobi keep Fluffy, Leader-sama?" the masked man asked excitedly. "NO!!! WE'RE GOING TO DESTROY THAT MONSTROUS THING!!!" Pein roared, glaring at the four who had been left at the base.

Tobi threw himself on the ground and began to cry, "But Fluffy has a NAME! You can't kill him, Leader-sama!" Pein ignored the nuisance and asked angrily, "Who is to blame THIS time?" All eyes immediately turned to Itachi, save for Tobi, who was still pitching a fit.


	9. The Eighth Commandment

**The Eighth Commandment**

Hidan came into the common room on what was becoming an increasingly common morning. Zetsu was in the corner, mumbling to himself. Kakuzu was sitting at the kitchen table, organizing the Akatsuki's financial records and muttering a cuss word every now and then. Sasori was on a couch under a black blanket reading his favorite book. Itachi sat beside him with an upside-down newspaper. Deidara and Tobi were wrestling over the television remote in the floor in front of Sasori and Itachi's couch. Kisame was in the kitchen sitting across from Kakuzu, eating his breakfast. Pein and Konan were the only pair off on a mission.

"Seeemmmmppaaaaaiii!!" Tobi wailed. "Tobi wants to watch _POKEMON_!!" Deidara shoved Tobi away from him with his right foot. "No, baka! We're watching _Avatar: the Last Airbender_, un!" Tobi begin to cry. "No, I hate that show! It's dumb!" Deidara looked at Tobi and stated, "Not as dumb as you are, un!" before jumping up and holding the remote high above his head. Suddenly, Sasori's foot shot out from under the blanket, kicking Deidara at the base of his spine. "Give that masked nuisance the remote NOW!! I've read this same damn sentence FIVE TIMES, baka!" Deidara began to protest, but promptly found himself staring at the poisoned tip of one of Sasori's needles.

Hidan could take it no longer. These fools! Did they not understand that they were all showing blatant disrespect to Jashin-sama?! "YOU FUCKING FOOLS!!! DO YOU NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE ALL FUCKING SHOWING BLATANT DISRESPECT TO JASHIN-SAMA?!" he thundered. Everyone stopped what they were doing, except for Tobi, who was happily flipping through the channels to find his favorite show. "Deidara! Make his happy ass pay attention!" Hidan shouted, pointing at Tobi. The blond did what he was told.

Kakuzu and Kisame came into the room, having heard the Jashinist's outburst from the kitchen. "Now that you are all paying attention, I will show you how to properly start your day. The morning prayer to Jashin-sama!" Hidan began the ritual. Everyone followed, except for Itachi. Hidan noticed and asked, "Itachi? Why in fucking Hell are you not doing the fucking morning prayer?" Kisame raised his hand. "What, Kisame?" Hidan questioned angrily. "Well, Hidan, sir, Itachi's blind, so he can't see what you're doing." Hidan looked from Kisame to Itachi, then back to Kisame. "Then go fucking help him, fucking moron!" he yelled.

Two days later, Pein and Konan returned to find everyone mutilated in the living room. "HIDAN!!!" he thundered. "WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?! EVERYONE'S BLEEDING TO DEATH!!!" Hidan smiled up at the leader. "I converted them!" he chirped. "DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT IS GOING TO TAKE TO FIX ALL THESE MORONS?!" Pein roared. "Not to mention the expense of the hospital bills," Kakuzu added.


	10. The Ninth Commandment

**The Ninth Commandment**

Kakuzu sat at the kitchen table counting his money. He had several account books strewn about the table. Kisame strolled into the kitchen, unnoticed by the dark-haired man. The shark-man could faintly hear Kakuzu counting. "$3,289…$3,290...Oh! A $5! That's $3,295! $3,296…" Kisame grinned an unfriendly grin and began counting aloud himself. "$200…$209…$213…"

Suddenly, Kakuzu slammed the money down and turned to Kisame. "You made me lose count, you overgrown guppy!" he shouted. Itachi strolled in, having heard the commotion. "What's going on?" he asked, staring down the refrigerator. Kisame answered, "Kakuzu is counting money." Itachi turned and walked over to the toaster. He petted it and said, "Poor Kakuzu, when will you learn? Money is weak. It lacks…hatred…" He turned and walked toward the door, grabbing Kisame as he went. "Crunchy, let's go. I have to meet with Leader," he said, leaving Kakuzu with a vein popping out on his forehead and his left eye twitching.

At that moment, Hidan walked into the kitchen, grinning like a madman. "Hey, Kakuzu, guess what I heard this morning on the news?" he said, picking up a crisp $20 and taking out a lighter. "The value of money dropped by _one hundred percent_." He drew out the last three words slowly and began to set fire to the $20 in his hand. Kakuzu jumped up and leapt at his partner, yelling, "No!! You fool!! What do you think you're doing?!" Unfortunately for the green-eyed man, the Jashinist snatched the burning $20 out of his reach. As the last of the $20 burned before Kakuzu's eyes, Hidan let it flutter to the floor and walked away, laughing maniacally.

Just then, Tobi came tearing through the kitchen, screaming, "NO, ZETSU-SAN!!! DO NOT EAT TOBI!!!" Zetsu followed close behind, his black half saying, "Feed me!" and his white half calling, "Come back, Tobi!" As they ran through the kitchen, money fluttered everywhere. Some even happened to flutter under the Akatsuki members' feet, ripping as they ran on. Tears began to flow from Kakuzu's face.

Deidara crept into the room slowly, his face blushing so much that it matched the color of the clouds on his cloak. "H-hey, Kakuzu, un? Would you mind…ah…sewing something back on for me, un?" he asked, voice shaking. Kakuzu glared at the blonde, sending shivers down his spine. He began to whimper, then suddenly ran from the room, crying hysterically.

A moment later, Sasori came into the kitchen. "Hey, you Jewish Muslim, why won't you sew Deidara back together? He's in our room, crying hysterically! How am I supposed to get any sleep with all that racket, you heartless swamp doll?!" It was the last straw. Kakuzu snapped. Suddenly, Sasori felt as though he should have made a better choice in words…

A few hours later, Pein came home to find the base once again in shambles. The other Akatsuki members (minus Kakuzu) were outside, some shaking, others cursing. Itachi was wandering around mumbling something about lacking hatred and randomly tripping over fallen branches. Pein ignored them all and crossed the remains of the threshold of the base. The horror he found inside rendered him speechless…


End file.
